


Physical Effections

by Buchanan (lish_the_fish)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Spoilers, Civil War, F/M, Feels, M/M, stucky feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 02:32:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6835450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lish_the_fish/pseuds/Buchanan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky wonders, at moments like this, if he's not the only one who's forgotten the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Physical Effections

My mouth smiles even when my eyes do not.

It's something I trained myself to do when I became acquainted with the functioning human world again. People just love a smile, and most of them are so used to throwing up bullshit ones themselves that they don't bat an eye at the authenticity of yours. No, I learned quickly that a smile, no matter how real, can get you where pain cannot.

I smile through the pain of my own, because it's what I've reprogramed myself to do. Though, it’s hard to see him hold her by her waist like that—firmly, like he’s worried about letting her go, like he’s afraid she’s going to get hurt if she strays too far. It’s even harder seeing her hands move to his neck, threading in his hair, and becoming firmly tangled in the roots, as if she wants to take him right then and there. Each breath the kiss lasts my stomach twists up even tighter, and I plaster on the smile even thicker.

The kiss only lasts a matter of seconds, but the end is the worst part. It doesn't happen all it once; their faces stay together for an incomprehensible amount of moments until he slowly looks down, unable to look at her like he used to look at me.

They say something that I can’t hear through the car’s walls and now my mouth is a rueful grimace, twisted up grotesquely at the corners like someone slit it to be that way. After a few seconds I realize I'm gritting my teeth, but I can't seem to stop. My jaw is beyond my control, much like the gaping hole in my chest that not even HYDRA could get rid of.

When he finally is able to look at her, his expression makes sheets of ice surrounding my heart crack. She slides has her hands to his chest and they appear intertwined this way, like they're one being, or like they belong together. I know from experience that they’re lost in their own world, far away from all the shit of mine. They’re escaping, for a moment, from the hell that is me. 

Sharon—Peggy’s niece, though I can’t see the resemblance—slides her arms the rest of the way down Steve’s chest and rest them on his biceps, patting once. She says something again, and this time when she’s done they don’t look at each other like they’re about to fuck on the concrete.

Sharon walks away, going back to the driver’s side of the car and opening the door. Steve, completely oblivious to the baby-doll eyes she’s throwing his way, turns and looks back at me and Wilson in the ancient bug mobile he had picked up out of an abandoned house’s front yard. That’s when he sees my smile. I can’t tell what Wilson is doing in the front seat, but whatever it is makes my Steve grin and shake his head, as if he’s saying ‘really, guys?’ 

Even if he can see me, he can't see my pain. He can't see the suffering I'm riotously enduring. My brain, the blended cocktail of memories that it is, tells me that this is my fault. It screams at me that no one can love me for what I've done, and that no one will ever want to. I'm so used to it's voice that I barely hear it anymore.

I seem to wonder, at moments like this, if I’m not the only one who’s forgotten the past.

**Author's Note:**

> (If you've already read the bit at the bottom of my other two stories in this set, Drink to That or Nightmares, you don't have to re-read it. It's basically the same thing. If you haven't read those stories, make sure to check them out next!)
> 
> HI GUYS! I'm Buchanan M. to some, Bucky to others, and this is one of my first three stories I've ever posted here. My plan for this account is to use it as a dumping grounds for all the little imagines and fic-let ideas that I get in a day. I'll try and post at least short little blurbs as much as I can (an estimated once or twice a week), but the bad news is that this means I'll pretty much only be posting one-shots and little blips about headcannons I have. HOWEVER, if you guys have a story that you just love love love and are dying for me to post more on, all you have to do is comment and I promise I'll do my best. In fact, if you have any comments at all you should totally let me know. I'm open to constructive criticism.
> 
> As with all of my works, if you see any typos please let me know ASAP. Any art I use belongs to the original owner, and I'm just a mooch who finds it on Google.
> 
> Thanks, Bucksters!
> 
> Buchanan M.


End file.
